Five years later..
It's the 25th March 2021 and i have exactly 4 weeks left of work (ok i'm taking a sabbatical but still)
We're in the midst of a global pandemic (you know that whole covid thing), and, on paper, this is probably the worst timing ever to decide to go and follow my dreams
But it's never felt more right
As I went to write this blog (literally woke up and decided to do it), i found a blog post i wrote on April 2nd 2020... i never post it, but i will post it after this one. It actually made me tear up to see how far i've now come
I know the pandemic has been a truly terrible time, but for me personally it has been the most mind blowing year of personal growth and development of my life so far
What I've come to realise now is how low a priority i put myself on my list, and how it is SO wrong to think of being "selfish" is a dirty and bad thing
The truth is: if you're not putting yourself above anyone else then you'll never be able to give your best
I always think to the phrase they say on the airplane: "put your mask on before you help anyone else" - it couldn't be more accurate. This is a bit dark but what good are you to others when you're well .. dead
I genuinely thought I had overcome the trauma of previous relationships (i always go for the wrong ones.. ill come on to this another time maybe) and my eating disorders; however in hindsight, i was actually quite far from it
For the majority of 2019 I was hung up over a guy who i had an on off thing with.. someone who did not deserve to be in my life at all because he treated me with zero respect BUT that was me: people pleasing, external validation needed, deprioritising my needs, tolerating shit treatment across the board, difficulty setting boundaries... need i go on
In November 2019 I had a boob job - something i had always wanted but for some reason didn't ever think i'd get one. I never thought i'd have the money so it wasn't an option. But then (thanks to my dad helping me to set aside money) i'd actually saved enough.. and then saw i could get them on finance!
I'd forever felt like a fraud wearing padded bras and felt that my figure was very un- proportionate (in my opinion of how I wanted my body to look) and cannot even explain the difference in confidence i felt as soon as i had the surgery. In quite a fucked up way really, (and it's taken me a good few minutes thinking whether to admit this), it helped me with feeling worthy. I hate that I've just written it but that's the truth
One particular night in January changed my life, as dramatic as that is. My friends hate that i say this but "I was picked" by someone i had a lot of respect for, and i'd never felt like that before, which gave me validation that at that point in my life i needed
At the start of the first pandemic, and without actually making an active choice to get over my trauma (because I didn't think i needed to) I started listening to audiobooks and podcasts when going for a walk (gyms had closed and at this point we were allowed out of the house once a day so my cardio was one looooooong walk)
I'd listen to books about mindset, about overcoming challenges, about self worth.. and i'd rack up the step count with no problem because of it!!
As my confidence grew, one day i just knew i had to cut the above guy off properly - i had to put my needs first. And so i did
That was probably my first real "me first" moment and it definitely was the hardest (as i'm unapologetic now about saying no to things i don't want to do haha!)
As i virtually piled up the audiobooks, and built the confidence in my knowledge for my love of fitness & nutrition, I started posting daily on my Instagram, more for the fun of it than for thinking i would make a business out of it
But then as the world of personal training all moved online, and I missed PTing, i thought why not! Looking at others who had done it successfully, and admiring their "digital nomad" lifestyle, I wondered if one day that could be mine too.
My business has evolved massively from what it was to what it now is, and what it will be in the future i'm sure; but I, and everyone around me, can see that I've found my purpose!